On a hot day in New Delhi (is there any other kind of day in New Delhi?) Two [East] Indian doctors were having a discussion: "I tell you it is spelt W-O-O-M." "NO, it's definitely spelt W-H-O-O-M." An old lady passing by remarked, "Gentlemen, I'm afraid that you're both wrong. It's actually spelt W-O-M-B". One doctor turns to the other and declares, "I bet she's never even SEEN a hippotamus let alone heard one fart underwater!"
Ajit looked up from the paper he was reading and remarked ``These Hindu fundamentalists are going to convert everyone.'' Robert was quite horrified and replied ``But what am I going to do? I'm a Christian!'' To which Ajit advised, after some thought, ``See Dr Manmohan Singh. He will make you partially convertable.''
One of Ajit's servants had twins. Appreciation (of a possible future raise) in his heart, he asked Ajit to give the two girls some English names. ``Call the first one Kate.'' ``And the second?'' ``Duplicate.''
A British officer in Madras noticed that the level in a carefully nutured bottle of sherry was slowly going down. He suspected that his servant was taking a few @#@s from time to time. To teach him a lesson he quietly topped it up with some urine and then grinned to himself as the level began sinking again. A month later he summoned the bearer and questioned him as to how the level was sinking when he had not touched a drop. The servant explained, ``But master, I put sherry in your soup every evening.''
Yahya Khan, trying to persuade a yokel to volunteer for the Pakistani Air Force, took him inside the aircraft and explained: "You press this yellow button to turn on the engine. Then you press the red one and the plane flies off. It's very simple." ``But how do I bring it down?'' asked the yokel. ``You don't have to bother with that,'' replied Yahya, ``Leave that to the Indian Air Force.''
PIA does not stand for Pakistan International Airlines. It means ``Please inform Allah.'' Then again, AI doesn't denote Air India --- rather it means ``Already informed.'' I am the youngest in the family. My brothers are called Rahmat Elahi (by God's kindness), Barkat Elahi (by God's grace) and Mahbub Elahi (beloved of God). As for me, I am Bas Kar Elahi (God that is enough).
Indian VIPs have recently been warned to take certain precautionary steps to avoid being blown up by terrorists. They have trouble following most of the points suggested.
don't go to the same hotel or restaurant too often.
don't walk in the same park at the same time every day.
don't take the same car to work every day.
don't sleep with the same person in the same place every night.
A survey was taken on the sexual habits of Mumbaiites (hell I didn't have any problems spelling Bombayites). One question asked what they did after having a good time. 10% said they simply went to sleep. 10% said they had some form of nourishment --- juice, water or a sandwich. The rest said they went home.
A firm of solicitors in Mumbai (funny, why not Delhi?) go under the name of Patel, Patel, Patel and Patel (actually, could just as well be Nairobi or London). The office phone rang and the voice at the other end asked: ``May I speak to Mr Patel?"
``Mr Patel is not in his seat."
``In that case could I speak to the other Mr Patel?''
``The other Mr Patel is out of station.''
``Then put me through to the third Mr Patel.''
``Sorry, the third Mr Patel has gone out for lunch.''
``Okay then I will speak to the last Mr Patel.''
(dunno if that story is true, but I was once at Mumbai International Airport when one of the officials began calling out for Mr Patel. Half the people around me turned their heads!)
A Sardarji (substitute appropriate tribe if required) is lying across the railway tracks with a bottle of whisky and a tandoori chicken within reach. A passerby asks why he is doing so when a train might come across at any moment. Because I want to commit suicide, replies the Sardar. The passerby then asks about the food and drink nearby. ``Why not? You can't rely on trains running on time any more. You don't expect me to die of hunger and thirst, do you?''
It's amazing the kind of English one sees in the streets. ``Froot Stal'' boasted one place selling ``froot chooce''. Perhaps I would need one on a ``two-wheller'', which was being sold next to a place that dealt with the ``serviec and repair'' of watches. Another sign said ``Do not stick posters here. Stickers will be prosecuted.'' And if you think I have trouble expressing myself, why not advise me to go to the ``National Institute for Stuttering Management and Behaviour Technology''?
Then there was the guy who, when asked to fill out his particulars on a form, wrote in the entry for ``Born'': Yes. And if you enjoyed that, consider this complaint by a passenger who missed his train: ``While me fall down in hurry to ride the going train I was saw the dam guard shouting the whistle and moving the flag (which country it was I didn't know) but he keep standing on the platefarum not try enter to the compartment. Was he go by aeroplan to next stashun?''
On the other hand, making use of other people's poor English is newer. A semi-literate (but rich) businessman wanted to make a donation to a local co-educational school. On hearing this, the head of a local boys' school wrote him the following letter. ``Do you know that in the co-ed school the boys and girls share the same curriculum? Moreover they matriculate together. And worse, they spend most of their time in seminars.'' And worse, the letter worked.
And of course Indlish can be quite useful in finding fake foreign goods. You know, the ones marked Made as England. Which reminds me of a story I once read, about some people who bought a pen in a store. ``Very good pen!'' bubbled the shopkeeper, ``Made in England!'' At which the shoppers showed him the (somehow honest) legend ``Made in India'' on the side of the pen. ``Oh yes,'' he said, quite unfazed. ``We make it here too.''
Wives of two MLAs were busy comparing notes about their spouses. ``Mine can talk hours on any subject!'' exclaimed one. ``That's nothing,'' said the other. ``Mine does not even need a subject to talk about.''
What do the postal envelopes issued by the Indian post office have in common with the Indo-Pak border?
Neither can be sealed.
General Zia was driving around Islamabad when he saw long queues of Pakistanis outside several embassies wanting visas and entry permits to go abroad. He got out of his car and joined a line to find out why so many people wanted to leave. No sooner did people see the President with them that they left the queue to return to their homes. President Zia asked them why they had had the change of heart. They replied: ``If you are leaving Pakistan, there is no reason for us to go.''
When my sister got married my parents were looking for a Bible verse to place on the wedding invitations. Somehow they didn't approve of my selection: ``Forgive them O Lord, they know not what they do.''
Then there was the nervous Tamilian who when asked by the priest at his daughter's wedding ``Who gives this girl away?'' replied ``Her mother, her father and I.'' I am not sure if that was the same wedding at which the malasori song was Cliff Richard's ``Bachelor Boy.''
A minister once described Feroze Gandhi as the Prime Minister's lap-dog. Later he was involved in a financial scandal. Which was when Feroze confronted him. ``Mr X, I hear yuo have been describing me as a lap-dog. You no doubt consider yourself a pillar of the state. Today I will do to you what a dog usually does to a pillar.''