selected ones from my collection
Elephant Jokes -- Desi version
Q: Why are there no elephants in Bollywood?
A:They can't run around trees without knocking them down.
Q: Why doesn't Rajnikanth fight elephants in Tamil movies?
A:He can't get them to jump in the air when he hits them.
Indian Road Rules:
"...Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle..."
An Indian writes home
"At Customs, brother, I am getting big shock. One fat man is grunting at me ...'Watch your a**.' Now, brother, this is wonderful. How he is knowing we are purchasing donkey? I think they are knowing everything about everybody who is coming to America."
India's sacred animal
"The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female, he give milk, but will do so when he is got child... But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards."
Prem's guide to India: written for (and against) the discerning tourist. MY FAVORITE -- IT'S BRILLIANT.
" Kashmir: Snow-capped mountains, serene lakes, quaint ageless traditions, and beautiful valleys which are filled with the sounds of staccato gunfire. Stroll through centuries old marketplaces, touch lovingly handcrafted local ware, and witness a real-life kidnapping by local terrorists... Look up at the clear blue skies at just the right moment (timing is everything) and you may see a rocket bomb arching gracefully through the air."
From Kashmir to Kanyakumari: A guided tour of India's main groups...
"the keralites... are a comblex race of peoblle but they have excellent GK and do well in kiss contests, eat a lot of chooclyte and own 99% of tea shops in the world. (Somebody said "Even if one go to the peak of Mount Everest one can find a Keralyte selling tea)."
A memorable speech:
"The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day will become great phools."
Flavors of Indian English:
"Bengalis do not have 's' sound and Oriyas do not have 'sh'. So when Bengalis sing 'God shave the queen', Oriyas shout 'Same, same'."
Everyday Indian English
" Instructor: "Take a copper wire of any metal...and pour a liquid solution of sul phuric acid in a round bottom flask of any shape.. "
On Aunties and Arranged Marriages
Aunt 1: "My boy is pure and gentle. He's like a cow."
Aunt 2: "He eats grass, then?"
Aunt 1: "Mami, stop kidding! He doesn't smoke or drink. In fact, my boy cant even tell the difference between wine and vodka."
Aunt 2: "Yeah! Yeah! That's what they all say. If he gets that drunk who can tell the difference!"
Ten Rules of Indian Film making
If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will (a) die (b) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.
Jokes from Khushwant Singh
One of Ajit's servants had twins. He asked Ajit to give the two girls some English names. ``Call the first one Kate.'' ``And the second?'' ``Duplicate.''
Why the film Bombay should be banned there.
The Hero and Heroine fall in love without first having a fight.
How was wire invented?
Two marwaris spotted the same coin.